Evolve and Transform
THE CHILD WHO HAS BEEN SEXUALLY ABUSED
– Lugina Miranda
Once I was asked by the principal to give some guidance to middle school girls and I agreed. These pre-adolescents have lots of doubts, questions and confusion as they approach puberty. I told the children to keep themselves safe from being sexually abused. I explained to them about good touch and bad touch. At the end, one of the girls from 6th std. came to me and expressed her willingness to meet me personally. I called her to my counseling room. There she narrated her horrific story.
Pooja was the only child to her parents who were staying in a village. They wanted to give her the best education, hence, kept her at her maternal aunt’s place in the city. She told me that her uncle (aunt’s husband) comes to her room in the night in the pretext to cover blanket on her, (even though she had covered and slept) and touches her body especially private parts. Initially she was surprised, then she resisted. But he was convincing her that he is like her father. Later he threatened her not to tell anyone. Almost everyday he used to do that.
She was confused and scared to tell this to her aunt and parents. She also said that these days she cannot concentrate on her studies. I called her parents on the same day and talked to them. They were shocked and her mother was uncontrollable. They were worried about her grades which had fallen but they never thought that the cause of this was abuse. The same day they took her with them for good.
Jyothi, a 16-year-old, studying in a residential school is a bright and smart girl. For the past 2 months she is continually asking her parents to change her school. She is not willing to go to the same school. She is very depressed and has become silent. While talking to Jyothi, she was saying one of her male teachers passes comments on her and tells everyone that he loves her. Incase, he meets her in the corridor or anywhere, he behaves badly and uses bad language. Since it is a residential school, he comes in the evening near her room. Jyothi and her friends are afraid to complain about him fearing he may take revenge.
Priya aged 12 had gone to her grandparents’ place with her parents for a family function. As elders were busy with rituals, all cousins were talking and enjoying together. One of Priya’s cousins, a 17-year-old was behaving strangely with Priya. He suddenly started holding her, hugging, kissing and touching her body. Priya was feeling very uncomfortable and resisted. She went and complained to her mother. Mother shouted at Priya for complaining about small things like that. She asked her to adjust with everyone. According to her mother, he does like that because Priya is like a little sister to him.
Deepthi was 13years old when her mother had left the house after fighting with her father. Deepthi and her two younger brothers stayed with their father. Deepthi was raped by her drunken father regularly. She was totally devastated and confused for she was unable to tell anyone. Her father had threatened her not to tell anyone. After six months when her mother returned home, she came to know about her husband’s shameless and cruel act. Immediately she took her children along with her and left the house. Neither she complained to police nor told anyone. It was Deepthi’s class teacher who noticed some strange behavior in her. So, she was referred for counselling.
Reena is a 2-and-a-half-year-old cute bubbly girl. She is a darling to everyone in her building. Since she was staying in the ground floor with her parents everyone used to talk to her, cuddle her and pamper her as they passed. A 19-year-old engineering student who stays in the same building used to come to talk to Reena very often. 2-3 times he took her to his house with Reena’s mother’s permission. One day after returning from his house Reena started complaining pain in her vagina. While asking Reena, she explained to her mother what he did. Mother came to know that her baby was sexually abused.
Sexual abuse is the most troubling type of abuse. Here, an adult uses a child for his sexual pleasure. He may touch the child’s sexual organs, make the child touch his sexual organs or even try to have sexual intercourse with the child.
Both boys and girls can be abused. The most common person to abuse a child is someone the child knows well, such as the father, brother, uncle, cousin, other male relative, family friend, housemaid, care taker or neighbour. The adults take advantage of their close relationship and control over the child.
Suspect sexual abuse when a child:
• Shows extreme changes in behavior, is withdrawn and appears sad or even loss of appetite.
• Shows sexualized play or behavior, such as touching and playing with her parts in public.
• Recurrent nightmare or disturbed sleep
• Fear of a person or an intense dislike at being left alone with someone.
• Unusual interest in sexual matters or excessive fondling or flirting
• Is over friendly with adults in a manner that was not usual for her.
• Torn undergarments, itching and bleeding in the genital area.
• Sudden fall in academic performances.
• Has repeated urine infections, pain while passing urine or other infections or inflammation of the sexual organs.
• Complains of physical symptoms like headaches, stomach pain etc., in absence of illness.
• Attempts suicide.
• Starts misusing alcohol or drugs.
Parents should talk to children to keep them safe from being sexually abused.
This should be part of routine safety education, just like we tell children not to cross the road without looking on the both sides or not to go to the deep end of the swimming pool.
• Talk to your child every day and take time to really listen and observe. This will help your child to form a bond with you. This will encourage him/her to approach you at times when he/she needs help.
• Encourage them to express negative feelings, and feel free to talk about their concerns and problems to you,
• Children should be explained which are the body’s private parts that need to be kept covered.
• Explain to the child that his/her body belongs only to him/her alone and that she/he has the right to say “NO” to any touch that makes them feel uncomfortable.
• Never doubt a child’s claims that he/she is being sexually abused. Take it seriously.
• Tell your child that some adults may try to hurt children and make them do things that the child doesn’t feel comfortable doing. They may tell the child that this is a secret. Emphasize that such people are doing the wrong thing, and she/he should come and tell a trusted adult, even if the abuser threatens them.
• Tell your child that adults whom they trust, know, love or anyone like an uncle, a teacher, a driver, a shopkeeper, or even a neighbour may try doing this.
• Last but not the least, emphasize that most grownups are nice people, and may never do this, but tell the child that she/he has to report anything that has made him/her feel uncomfortable.
If you suspect sexual abuse, then it is unlikely that the family will accept it easily, particularly if the abuser is someone close to the family. Do not accuse anyone. Instead share your concerns openly with the family and stress that if the abuse continues, the child’s health will be even more seriously affected.
Put the family in touch with community supports. This includes child support groups, family violence group, legal support, child protection agencies, the police or specialist health professionals.
If the child abuse persists or is very serious, refer to a child specialist team and be sure to inform the police.
Many children do recover from the trauma, but some children may develop mental health problems and may need help from trained child health workers or counselors.