Evolve and Transform
ENGAGING TEENAGERS WILLING COOPERATION
– Lugina Miranda
A teenager period is a time of turmoil. It is a state of great disturbance, confusion or uncertainty; a search for identity. Small children have small problems, big children – big problems. It is a time to realize a sweet child turned into a sullen stranger, who would criticize our taste, challenge our rules and reject our values. Living with teenagers can be overwhelming. Communication and discipline are two major areas that can become battlegrounds if not handled well.
In the classroom of today, most teachers spend a third of their teaching time on discipline issues. ‘Teaching’ in the past is different from what it is now. Therefore the way we handle teenagers today also needs to change. It is a time to accept the changes and change these critical years to:
• Help them counter the seductive messages of the media and internet.
• Help them resist the pressure of their peers
• Help them cope with the cliques and cruelties
• Help them to overcome the fear of rejection, terror, excitement and confusion of adolescence
• Help them to boost their self esteem and self confidence
• Help them (in their) struggle with the push to conform and the pull to be true to themselves.
Understanding Adolescence Period
Adolescence is a trying period because of the conflict an adolescent is going through not knowing whether he/she is still a child or already an adult. He/she is caught up between these two stages. People at times expect them to be a mature adult and reprimand them. At other times they consider him/her to be a child and want to guide them. Since there is a lot of ambiguity regarding the role of an adolescent, there ensue a lot of emotional problems. Emotional problems seem to be the most important concern for the adolescent. An adolescent becoming increasingly aware of himself wants to define his role in the society seeking status as an individual and eagerly longing for recognition from his age-mates: for this he is ready to conform to the standards of his peers. He is confronted with an emerging hetero-sexual interest; he experiences a conflict between his immature idealism and reality.
Grunt Stage
Sometimes, teenagers go through a phase when they will not speak/answer properly to others. Whatever question you ask they will just grunt. This grunt stage is a normal part of teen development to keep distance from adults who are always questioning, lecturing, advising and moralizing. Since the adolescents want to increase their independence they actively attempt to exclude adults by keeping themselves away from them and from cutting off communication with them. Here it may be very damaging if we force them to open up. At this time they need understanding. It is not true that the adolescents do not communicate. The difficulty does not lie in their refusal to communicate but it lies in the adults’ inability to adequately understand the information received.
Teenagers I have worked with have say that they resent long explanation, blaming and accusing, name calling, threats, orders, lecturing and moralizing, warnings, martyrdom, comparisons, sarcasm, and prophecy. They prefer a single word with respect and understanding their feelings.
Some skills to engage teenager’s willing cooperation
• Describe the Problem… instead of giving orders. By describing the problem, we invite our teenagers to become part of the solution.
• Describe What You Feel… instead of attacking teenagers. If we describe what we feel, it’s easier for the teenager to hear us and to respond helpfully.
• Give Information… instead of blaming. When they are given information simply and respectfully, they are more likely to assume responsibility for what needs to be done.
• Offer Choice… instead of threats and orders. We have a better chance gaining their cooperation if we can substitute a choice that meets our needs and theirs.
• Say it in a Word… instead of a long lecture. A short reminder focuses their attention and is more likely to engage their cooperation.
• State Your Values / Expectations… instead of pointing out what is wrong. When teachers/parents state their expectations, clearly and respectfully, teenagers are more likely to listen and try to live up to those expectations.
• Substitute angry reprimands with Humor… by substituting humor for criticism, we change the mood and encourage everyone’s playful spirit.
• Put In Writing… instead of nagging. Often the written word can accomplish what the spoken word cannot. But be considerate!
Some Don’ts:
• Give Orders: Orders often creates resentment and resistance.
• Attack the Teenager: They either withdraw or counterattack
• Blame and Accuse: When teenagers are accused, they usually become defensive.
• Threats: Many teenagers react to threats with defiance or sullen compliance.
• Criticize: Teenagers tend to tune out long lectures.
• Angry Reprimands: Teenagers can be especially sensitive to their teacher’s disapproval.
• Nagging: Some teenagers are slow to respond to a reasonable reminder.
It is our respectful attitude and respectful language that makes it possible for our teenagers to hear us and to cooperate with us.