BETWEEN PARENT AND TEENAGER

– Lugina Miranda

Arun’s mother said, “I worry about my son. He is just not listening to what I say. All I want my son to be is happy and secure.” Arun a 15 yr old says “I wish she would stop talking about my happiness. It is she who makes my life miserable. Her too much concern and worries drive me crazy.”

Raju aged 17 says, “I am sick and tired of my father’s advice. He always talks about my future. In the meantime he is ruining my present. I have no confidence in myself. I feel like a failure.”

Tabitha’s mother says, “My daughter has a wardrobe fit for a queen. But she still wants to buy dresses as and when she sees new designs and chooses to wear……… I’m sure people would say ‘what kind of a mother is she, allowing her daughter to wear such kind of dresses?’ I feel ashamed.”

Tabitha a 16 year old says “My mom lives in 18th century. She doesn’t have dress sense. It is not me alone; all my friends choose to wear the latest design. If I choose to wear as per my mom’s wish, I’ll be a grandmother to them. I also feel ashamed.”

Tony’s mother was feeling hurt and angry. Her son was going to a party. So she said, “Have a good time son but behave yourself, come home early.” He looked up as though he had been attacked. Suddenly his tone of voice changed and he said, ‘‘Now don’t tell me what to do’’ and he just walked out. It is difficult to say a good word to him. Who does he think I am? …….his enemy?

Tony who is 15 years old says, “My mother is an expert at giving speeches like politicians or a lecturer. I feel irritated when she treats me like a little boy…… Behave yourself, stand straight, don’t drag your feet, use handkerchief, don’t drink cold water, comb your hair, etc.”  

No one would doubt the intentions of these parents. They want to see their children grow well with good manners, happy and safe. Yet so often their efforts are unrewarded and their love is not understood. Teenagers who do not ask for attention and advice strive to appear grown up, independent and self sufficient. They feel capable of handling their life on their own without parental direction.

Parents of teenagers feel confused on how to help when help is resented, how to guide when guidance is rejected, how to communicate when they show deaf ears or attention taken as attack. The irritated parents say, “If we value neatness our teenager will be sloppy, his room messy, his cloths shabby, his hair untidy, in freezing weather he   wears summer clothes, goes around with friends – smoking, drinking and partying. If we insist on their academic performance, they will be provocatively busy with their cell phone, i-pod, computer, T.V., Music etc., and their grades are sinking all the time.

In a group session, Parents described their helplessness like this:

As parents our first reaction is to get angry and tough. When this fails, we switch to kindness. When no results follow, we try reasoning. When our good words fall on deaf ears, we get frustrated. Then we return to threats and punishments out of frustration.

Adolescence is the passage from being a child to being an adult. It is a transition period when changes take place physically, psychologically, socially, sexually and emotionally. Adolescents are struggling to figure out who they are, what they believe in, what they value and what they want to achieve. To do this they need to a have sense of separation from their parents. This period is a time of turmoil, a state of great disturbance, confusion or uncertainty. It is a search for identity.

Parents need to be educated about adolescent development or else they just end up angry, confused and frustrated. Taking risk and a lack of communication is not about hating parents; but a struggle in the process of growing up.

Tips for parents while dealing with teenagers:

  • Be connected to your teens: Give them ongoing sense of love and warmth
  • Set limits: have clear rules, give consistent messages regularly. Discuss what you expect from them in times of peace, not when they are running out for a party.
  • Lines of communication: When the lines of communication open the teenagers feels they can discuss any situation with their loving, trusting family; most of them will get through well.
  • Respect your teenager: Show respect to your teen’s struggle, opinions, voice and also their friends.        
  • Monitor your teen’s whereabouts: Know where your teens are at night and after school. Monitoring includes knowing who your teens friends are and their activities
  • Help them to be assertive: prepare them to say ‘no’ firmly but politely.
  • Share the facts: Don’t talk to them about your experience. Know the facts and share them.
  • Let your teen experience his/her own self: A lot can be learnt from mistakes and failure.